TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have One more position wherever American Adult men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must halt using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting attention from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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